just come out here and I will go home with you...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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