Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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