just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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