all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
