the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
