It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
