if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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