so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
