I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
