chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
