i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
