dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
