don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
