apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
