nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
