Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
