He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You smell like stripper and shame
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
