mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
