Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
