please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize