I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
