I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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