just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
