Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
