There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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