She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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