Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
