so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
