I queefed so loud it echoed.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
