Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
