Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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