my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
