I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
