im six kinds of drunk right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
