And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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