I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
