i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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