someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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