Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
