I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
