Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
