I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we should paint friendship bongs
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
