....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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