What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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