I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
