woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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