i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
