Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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