so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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