Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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