Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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