How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
