We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
