96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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