you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
