Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
