Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
