no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
