matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
