Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
