whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
