I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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